|The graze that became DEATH|
Unless you have been trapped under a large and unyielding rock, or perhaps just been hanging out with men lately, last night was a HUGE episode of television. Offspring, a sitcom about a 30-something neurotic and frankly annoying woman called Nina and her eccentric family, workmates, and life was preparing to kill off one of the main characters.
Yes, they had been telling us for weeks they were going to kill one of them off, and yes it was really annoying that they had narrowed down the list to three:
(Billie – Nina’s sister and easily the best character on the show,
Patrick- Nina’s gorgeous and ex-broody bf, also the soon-to-be father of her soon-to-be baby, and did I mention gorgeous?
Jimmy – Nina’s brother who frankly is like wallpaper to me… I had to Google his name to remember it, he’s that insignificant)
But dammit I was invested! I was going to watch and be shocked and cry with everyone across Australia, until I made my first mistake… I invited the boy over to watch it with me.
Now don’t get me wrong, I bet there are guys who love Offspring, who watch it religiously and were as into last night’s episode as I was; just none that I know. And after the prolonged sobbing, and snotting, and truly ugly crying after watching alone ‘Betterman’ last week I thought company might help keep me in check…. Be careful what you wish for.
A virgin ‘Offspring’ watcher I tried to explain the premise to him and build the excitement over one of a possible three main characters dying, which lead to the starting credits and the boy proclaiming “Dead!” every time a character came on screen:
Me- That’s Billie, the sister
Me- The mum
Me- That’s Clegg, her boss sort of
Him- But what else has he been on?
Me- Don’t know
Him- (After some Googling) Ahhh he played Kerry Packer
Me – Oh yeah!
Him – He’s dead!
Thankfully this delightfully and hilarious (depending on who you ask) game ended quickly and we settled (again depending on who you ask) into watching the episode.
Three quarters in, things were starting to build…Enough of the family hijinks, enough of Norman Gunston’s new girlfriend, just get on to the death bit already! The rest of the show went a bit like this....
On screen – Billie’s running across the road, not really looking
Me – Argh not Billie!
Him – Yeah she’s’ gone. I bet there’s a sniper in that tree
Me - A sniper? There is not going to be a sniper
On screen – The family is inside being jolly in the way that TV family’s do, and in real life like you only do if you are laughing at someone who has run into the flyscreen
Him – Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! The sniper is going get them all now!
Me- I don’t think a sniper is really going to be after the Proudman’s?
Him – It will be a blood bath!
On screen – Patrick is nudged by a car, gets knocked to the ground but gets up and walks away to call Nina telling her he was “hit by a car”
Me – Oh come on! That can’t be it, it hardly touched him!
Him – Toughen up mate. Be a man!
Me – Oh god, that’s it now he will get a bleed on his brain and he’ll just die in his sleep. So lame!
Him – Or maybe the pregnant one will get hit by a car on the way to get him and they’ll all die and the show will be over?
On screen – Doctor tells Nina that the surgery didn’t work and Patrick is dead, turns around and leaves
Him – Great bedside manner there Doc
Me – Seriously bad! They don’t even get a room, a hug, an ‘I’m sorry’? If I’m dying I never want to go to this made up hospital!
On screen – Nina and sis are saying there final goodbyes
Me- I can’t believe they killed Patrick! The show is going to be so shit now
Him- Don’t worry babe, maybe the roof will cave in and kill them all and the show will be over?
Me- Yeah that’s really not going to happen
Him- You never know